Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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