I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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