Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I did not marry a roomba.
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