I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
