I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Randomize
