If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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