there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
