You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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