Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
