Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize