Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize