i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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