I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize