I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
