Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
