did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
