This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
