i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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