You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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