The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
