i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
