sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize