So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
