Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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