You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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