theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
