it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
