Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
