So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
