All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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