Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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