I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
