Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm just crazy horny about you
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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