She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
