I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
