Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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