cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
