Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I believe in your delicious
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
