I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
