If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
