my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
