So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
