I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
