i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
