I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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