I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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