if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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