I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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