hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
you didnt know i had herpes?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
