i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
