Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
