dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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