I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
