there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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