I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
