i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
