The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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