If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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