Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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